Every time I sit down to write about a new semester I'm overwhelmed by how fast time is flying. Honestly, when I look back on my second year of college, my heart feels extremely heavy. If you had asked me 5 weeks ago what I thought about this year, I'd tell you all about how much I felt God blessing me repeatedly, and how everything I wanted and planned for myself had worked out. I'd go on and on about the friendships I had made and the leadership team I had been a part of in my residence hall. I'd talk about how much I enjoyed my first year in FOUR years that I spent being single. I'd tell you how I thought I had found my lifelong, best friend who I swore was my soul sister. I'd share about how I had never really had a friendship like ours, and how I thought she'd be the one by my side through every single one of my future milestones (graduation, starting jobs, getting married, babies, you name it). I'd tell you about my plans to be a Resident Assistant next year, and how I couldn't wait to see how God would use me through that position.
What I would soon come to realize, after a very rude awakening, is that things change and people change and because of that, I'm in a season of hurting & healing. My plans for next year and beyond took a turn for what appears to be the worse, but what I'm clinging to for dear life at this moment is that God can turn anything into good, and better than I could plan for myself. This doesn't mean, however, that I'm not mourning what I thought were my plans for next year, or the end of a friendship with the one person I thought was never going to leave, but it does mean that I have hope. Hope that there's good out there and that as alone as I might feel in this moment, will not stay forever.
During a time where I have felt so much loss, I have also seen a few ounces of gain that I'm choosing to cherish. I'm choosing to cling tightly to the people who choose me. The ones who choose me whether I'm on my highest mountaintop or in my lowest valley. I'm choosing the girls (and even sometimes guys) who say "to heck" with what others are saying about me, and who hold tight to what they know is true about me. It's the people in your life that hug you a little harder and cry with you when things are crumbling that you should never let go of. The people who text you and say "hey, I'm not going anywhere" when it seems as if everyone else is leaving.
The way this year is ending is hard for me to grasp. I have never felt so tempted to throw up my hands in frustration and quit. Move on, transfer, or take a year off. I realized, however, that I'm stronger than that. My God is bigger than that. He's bigger than the enemy who is telling me that I need a break, or that I'm not capable, or that I'm unlovable, or unfixable. Because I'm not. I'm loved by a king, THE KING OF ALL KINGS who can get me through anything. He's the one who gets me through the friend break-ups, the confusing conversations, and the texts that read "I can't be seen with you for now because it will upset others." Y'all, I'm being real, it hurts. I'm not sitting here brushing it off and thinking "oh okay no big deal, I get it" because it is a big deal. It's a big deal when you give so much of yourself to people only to feel like a fool in the end.
I guess there are a few reasons why I'm being so vulnerable and upfront here on the blog-- a reason why I'm possibly oversharing. First off, I've come to see that writing on Making Joy and Bliss is a healing mechanism for me, this being the reason I know the Lord put this blog in my life. Writing it out allows me let go. I find freedom from the bondage of bitterness. Writing on MJ&B also helps me declare truth over myself. It forces me to recognize the enemy's power to make me feel defeated and helpless, and then heal myself with the Gospel truth that I know. Writing posts like these make me see that God is in control. No amount of chaos is a surprise to Him, and no beginning or end of any relationship or season in our lives is an interruption to His plan.
The other reason I'm putting all of my junk out in the open is that I want anyone who is feeling like their plans have made a complete 180-degree turn for what looks like the worse, to know that it's actually turning for the best. Not your version of what's best, but God's idea of what's best. Now, how could anyone be mad at that! So it's okay to mourn the end of relationships or the crumbling of plans that were seemingly perfect, but do not stay in that spot. God doesn't want that for you, and do not let Satan tell you that you're not worthy of better, or that better will never come. Because the devil is a liar.
So yeah, I have no clue what's next. No freaking clue. At all. Wow, I just laughed typing that. But what I do know is that I've spent the past 5 weeks telling myself that I'm unlovable, purposeless, and unfixable, but it's just not true, and realizing that is a small victory that I'm choosing to celebrate.